It's 5:18pm, and I have to leave for work at 6:00pm. I have to say I don't want to go at all. I've been waiting all day to go to work, and I'm already tired. It's my second night shift and although I'm orienting, I just get so nervous and anxious. Nursing is not an easy job, and I'm not saying that just because I am a nurse. I really look up to those who have done it for years and years. Apparently the nervousness doesn't really go away - ever - and you never ever know everything. Great.
My memory sucks. I don't understand much of what I do, and I feel totally stupid when people (patients and doctors) ask me questions and I don't know the answer - either because I can't remember the answer (like someone's blood pressure from 3 hours earlier) or I really don't know the answer and haven't had a chance to look it up (yesterday this guy asked me about every pill he was going to be getting LATER THAT DAY which I hadn't even looked at yet because I was too busy trying to keep up with the present meds etc)
I just have to vent. The next 6 months to a year are going to be brutal and I have to convince myself that I can handle it. My apartment is already a mess, I haven't cooked a proper meal in a long time, and I miss my friends. 12 hour shifts seem to go on and on. Last night at work I actually had a moment where I didn't know if it was 6 am or pm. It was only a brief lapse, but still significant. And when I got home at 8pm, I walked into the lobby of my apartment building and it was all torn up - and I thought "just how long have I been at work!?" I'm very certain it didn't look like that when I left at 6:20am.
Anyways, to keep things positive, here are some things I'm looking forward to:
1) friday morning - 7am (I will then have the weekend off)
2) The Amazing Race - saturday - a 12 hour fundraiser I'm doing with Lindsey - all over Vancouver on transit - hopefully we'll still be friends on sunday
3) Sunday - a whole day off to myself, except for church in the morning. hopefully I won't get too anxious thinking about work on monday.
4) Spending more time at my parents place - whenever I can.
P.S. I got a new computer! A mac! So I haven't posted any pics because I can't figure out how to - yet. I have some pics of my grad to come.
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